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  • Album:Straight Outta Lynwood
    Jillian was her name
    She was sweeter than aspartame
    Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
    And after that I never was the same
    And I loved her even more
    Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
    She was gorgeous, she was charming
    Yeah, she was perfect in every way
    Except she was always using the word "infer"
    When she obviously meant "imply"
    And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
    But frankly, I can't imagine why
    And I told her, I said
    "Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
    No, I don't think we are!
    You're close! (Close!)
    But no cigar!"
    Yankovic-Close But No Cigar
    Then I met sweet young Janet
    Prettiest thing on the planet
    Had a body hotter than a habanjero
    She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
    And I was crazy like Manson about her
    She got me all choked up like Momma Cass
    She had a smile so incredibly radiant
    You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
    I thought after all these years of searching around
    I'd found my soulmate finally
    But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy
    Of Joe Dirt on DVD
    Oh, no! I said
    "Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
    No I don't think we are!
    You're close! (Close!)
    Oh, so very close! (Close!)
    Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
    So close!
    But no cigar!"
    (Oh, yeah!)
    (Oh, no!)
    (Oh, yeah!)
    (Oh, no!)
    (ALL RIGHT!)
    [Hand claps, trumpet solo]
    Julie played water polo
    She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
    She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
    My heart was beating like a Buddy Rif solo
    And she was everything I've dreamed of
    She moved right up to #1 on my list
    And did I mention she's a world famous billionare
    Bikini supermodel astrophysicist
    Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
    Look like a big fat slobbering pig
    The only caveat is one of her earlobes
    Was just a little tiny bit too big
    I said
    "Hey! Are we doing government work here?
    No I don't think we are!
    You're close! (Close!)
    So very, very close! (Close!)
    Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
    So close!
    But no cigar!"
    Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
    Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
    Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)
  • [00:04.87]Album:Straight Outta Lynwood
    [00:07.78]Jillian was her name
    [00:10.58]She was sweeter than aspartame
    [00:14.08]Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
    [00:17.87]And after that I never was the same
    [00:21.95]And I loved her even more
    [00:25.31]Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
    [00:28.49]She was gorgeous, she was charming
    [00:32.01]Yeah, she was perfect in every way
    [00:36.14]Except she was always using the word "infer"
    [00:40.02]When she obviously meant "imply"
    [00:43.94]And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
    [00:47.40]But frankly, I can't imagine why
    [00:50.67]And I told her, I said
    [00:51.87]"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
    [00:55.18]No, I don't think we are!
    [00:58.02]You're close! (Close!)
    [01:00.34]But no cigar!"
    [01:03.76]Yankovic-Close But No Cigar
    [01:07.00]Then I met sweet young Janet
    [01:09.43]Prettiest thing on the planet
    [01:13.12]Had a body hotter than a habanjero
    [01:17.49]She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
    [01:20.82]And I was crazy like Manson about her
    [01:23.97]She got me all choked up like Momma Cass
    [01:28.35]She had a smile so incredibly radiant
    [01:31.44]You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
    [01:35.62]I thought after all these years of searching around
    [01:39.40]I'd found my soulmate finally
    [01:42.55]But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy
    [01:46.99]Of Joe Dirt on DVD
    [01:49.81]Oh, no! I said
    [01:50.96]"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
    [01:54.89]No I don't think we are!
    [01:57.32]You're close! (Close!)
    [01:59.75]Oh, so very close! (Close!)
    [02:03.92]Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
    [02:07.01]So close!
    [02:08.94]But no cigar!"
    [02:15.99](Oh, yeah!)
    [02:19.63](Oh, no!)
    [02:22.30](Oh, yeah!)
    [02:25.09](Oh, no!)
    [02:26.71](ALL RIGHT!)
    [02:30.69][Hand claps, trumpet solo]
    [02:35.66]Julie played water polo
    [02:37.97]She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
    [02:42.16]She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
    [02:46.00]My heart was beating like a Buddy Rif solo
    [02:49.91]And she was everything I've dreamed of
    [02:53.42]She moved right up to #1 on my list
    [02:56.96]And did I mention she's a world famous billionare
    [03:00.65]Bikini supermodel astrophysicist
    [03:04.34]Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
    [03:07.94]Look like a big fat slobbering pig
    [03:11.57]The only caveat is one of her earlobes
    [03:15.66]Was just a little tiny bit too big
    [03:18.72]I said
    [03:19.89]"Hey! Are we doing government work here?
    [03:23.31]No I don't think we are!
    [03:25.89]You're close! (Close!)
    [03:28.35]So very, very close! (Close!)
    [03:32.25]Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
    [03:36.07]So close!
    [03:37.21]But no cigar!"
    [03:39.76]Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
    [03:42.22]Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
    [03:45.89]Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)